The Legend of Twilight Zelda Princess, part 1
by Uncle Touchys Hidden Preschool
Summary: This story is purely satirical; I mean no offense to any Legend of Zelda fans out there. It's just for laughs, and I hope you enjoy it.


It was a warm summer morning in Hyrule when Edward awoke uncomfortably from a lovely dream he was having about his adventures with Link. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the light, he noticed what had awoken him; Nazi soldiers were storming Kokiri Village. There were violent shouts and gunshots coming from outside the window as the Nazis slaughtered all of the Kokiri people.  
Edward swiftly jumped out of the window of his treehouse and landed nimbly on the mossy ground below. With his Vampire speed he rushed towards the nearest Nazi. He sunk his Vampire teeth into the Nazi's neck. With his Vampire senses he detected several more Nazis approaching from behind. Using his Vampire strength he quickly threw the body of the first Nazi at the others. Two of them were knocked back hard and fell unconscious while the third dodged, but this was not a problem; using his Vampire agility, Edward jumped over one-hundred feet in the air. He pulled out his trusty M9 from his pocket and emptied the whole clip into the Nazi's face as he rained down from above.  
Edward was safe, but not for long; the Nazi raids had been becoming far more frequent in the past weeks, and he knew there would be another squad coming within minutes. He figured the best place to hide would be in the lost woods, but he would have to cross the entire village to get there. Crossing a Nazi raid stealthily would be impossible for most people, but it was no problem for Edward with his Vampire powers. He dashed to the corner of the large tree supporting his house, looking past it to see if the way was clear. He saw that most of the Nazis had gone further into the village, leaving the coast mostly clear; however, several Nazis remained near the village entrance.  
Edward silenced his pistol for stealth purposes before slowly making his way along the cliff face behind his house towards the village entrance. The Nazis had still not spotted him when he was only roughly fifteen yards away. He carefully took aim; as the Nazi's head slipped quickly into his sights, he pulled the trigger. One by one he picked off the three remaining Nazis before they so much as knew where he was. Edward was about to rush out of the village when he noticed a cloud of billowing smoke far to his right; smoke from the Deku Tree.  
Edward knew he could not just let the Deku tree burn; he cursed himself as he ran back into the war-torn village. His M9 was low on ammo; he had left most of it back in his house, which was now engulfed in flames. He knew he only had one choice; he must use the Kokiri Uzi, the sacred Uzi passed down through generations of Kokiri. It was said to have fantastical properties. He subtly made his way towards the Uzi's resting place. He busted open the window of the Village Gun Store, the place he knew the Uzi resided. He armed himself with the Uzi and did not take much ammo, for he knew if he needed some he could just chop down the tall grass. Unfortunately, no other weapons were left in the store; the Nazis had already raided it weeks ago, the Kokiri Uzi simply has fantastical powers that make it immune to Nazis.  
With his new weapon, Edward knew no Nazi was a match for him. It takes a lot to kill Edward; he has collected over fifty heart containers in his various adventures. He had once purchased some magic armor from a travelling Goron salesmen; of course, it was a load of shit. The only real magic armor in Hyrule rested in Nayru's temple and it had cost Edward seven-hundred rupees to discover that. He set out towards the Deku tree with a whole new swagger about him, ready to mess up some Nazis.  
He arrived at the entrance to the Thousand Steps; the new entrance to the Deku Tree's clearing ever since he was relocated as part of the Witness Protection Program for witnessing Link's murder of Ganon. The Deku Tree had never been the same after Link was banished to the nearby province of Termina. Edward could see that the Nazis had only made it halfway up the steps, and now appeared to breaking and eating sandwiches. He swiftly dashed into some nearby bushes to avoid being seen. With his Vampire speed he dashed towards the Nazis, swiftly climbing the five-hundred steps half way up. He used his Vampire stealth to hide unnoticed behind a nearby boulder. He could tell exactly where the Nazis were with his Vampire senses, and using his Vampire agility he jumped over the boulder and high into the air. He descended on them swiftly, firing with Vampire accuracy; all the Nazis were obliterated before he even hit the ground. He landed nimbly in the pile of bloody corpses and half eaten sandwiches, and quickly dashed up the remaining stairs to the Deku tree.  
As he ascended the final steps a terrible sight caught his eyes; the Deku Tree was already burnt to the ground. The remaining smoke was simply coming from Hitler himself smoking a huge doobie on the Tree's remains. Anger overtook Edward; the Deku Tree had been a great friend to him and had taken him into the village when he fled from his home in Washington state. He could no longer control himself... he slowly began to change. His new form was overtaking him; he felt large amounts of hair growing all at once... He had now gone full Vampire Super Saiyan Mode. His already enormous hair was now more monstrous than ever...  
He launched a beam of pure fabulosity at Hitler, knocking the joint out of his hands.  
This angered Hitler.  
Hitler began his own transformation. His small body began to grow and change form as robotic parts clicked into place. He slowly transformed into a giant humanoid robot, revealing that he was in fact a Transformer all along... Edward had always had his suspicions, but now his fears were confirmed. This was going to be a trying battle for Edward, but he hadn't lost hope yet.  
Hitlatron raised his wrist-mounted rocket launchers and pointed them at Edward. Edward jumped to the side just in time, narrowly dodging the explosion. Seeing how huge the explosion was, Edward began to wonder if this iteration of Hitler was directed by Michael Bay. Edward knew that with such explosive capabilities, Hitlatron would easily defeat him; his only choice was to flee. Releasing a final blast of fabulosity to stun Hitlatron, Edward used his Super Saiyan powers to fly off into the horizon. He would have to become stronger to defeat Hitlatron.  
So began his adventure...


End file.
